White Mountain, New Hampshire. October 2021.
I am afraid that I am not able to write this article on forgiveness without “outing” my internal organizing pattern and its limitations. Drawing from various theorists, in his article “Discovering forgiveness through empathy: implications for couple and family therapy,”[1] E Wayne Hill explains that forgiveness is not a willed act or decision. In fact, some scholars whom Hill examines (i.e., Kurtz and Ketcham) suggest that “[forgiveness] becomes more impossible the harder one tries to will it.”[2] Nevertheless, when reading the article, my mind was preoccupied with pressure and resistances to forgive and shame for not able to or willing to forgive.
For Hill and many others, forgiveness is both essential and beneficial.[3] Benefits of forgiveness include reduced anger, anxiety, depression, stress, difficulties such as family-of-origin issues, and personality disorders.[4] I am not surprised by the connection between forgiveness and these health benefits. In addition, Hill declares that forgiveness is essential also due to human limitation. “Human beings make mistakes,” he argues, “human imperfection is a given and the experience of ambivalence is normal and expected in intimate relationship systems.”[5] So to be in relationship with others, one must forgive and be forgiven. Human finitude is something I think about a lot, and I have no objection to this argument either.
However, it is the causality between unforgiveness and emotional capacity that concerns me. The difficulty for me comes when the author (along with his conversational partners) articulates one’s inability to forgive as a developmental deficit. The resistance to forgive not only is seen as defense adopted in early attachment to protect oneself, but also inability to comprehend emotional needs in others. For these authors (e.g. Goleman), the failure to forgive is not recognizing the ambivalence of relationship and being human, and therefore “a major deficit in emotional intelligence, and a tragic failing in what is means to be human.” [6]
While I can appreciate connections between the practice of forgiveness and one’s developmental history, I find equating forgiveness difficulties to emotional deficit problematic. I don’t argue their irrelevancy—they might have strong correlations—however, I am cautious claiming its ultimacy. I think about the scenario between a narcissist parent and a parentified child. From my perspective, the child—adult or young—can be hyper aware of the parent’s emotional needs yet forgiveness can be difficult. When the narcissist parent refuses or is unable to reciprocate and when changes are prevented, it is very human to me if the adult child recognizes the harm and grows away, knowing the parent expects otherwise. What does forgiveness look like for an over-functioning child in a chronically triangulated family?
I am mindful that my critic to Goleman can be a form of resistance itself. It speaks to my developmental history and current understanding of forgiveness. I am ambivalent about forgiving. Often, forgiveness feels like an obligation to me and an expectation of me, it is only virtuous to let go and to forgive. Other times, it seems like forgiveness is the only way to free myself and the other people. Unforgiving would be holding onto much pain and resentment. Both the pressure and resistance to forgive, for me, are the manifestation of feeling obligated.
Therefore, I appreciate Coleman’s approaching[7] “forgiveness as discovery,” and some theorists’ sensitivity to grief and loss involved in the process. (e.g. Gordon et al.) “All hurts involve loss,” and “grief and loss created by injury or trauma must be confronted if forgiveness is to be discovered.”[8] Most if not all scholars emphasize the critical role of being in dialogue with the counter party in the process of forgiving, however, Hill acknowledges that the discovery of personal histories, loss, injuries, and wounds should proceed hearing from all parties.[9]
If I am honest, I know my capacity for forgiveness is limited and it’s an area for growth. I also agree this has to do with my early attachment experience and could use some “corrective emotional experience.”[10] In my reading of the article, I realized that it’s an area that I’ve never been willing or allowed myself to explore. I find it frustrating that there is much forgiveness work to do. Nevertheless, I bought myself two books from Karen and Hargrave (they stood out among all the theorists introduced by Hill), it’ll be a good read this winter.
[1] E. Wayne Hill, “Discovering Forgiveness through Empathy: Implications for Couple and Family Therapy,” Journal of Family Therapy 32, no. 2 (2010): 169–85, https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-6427.2010.00492.x. [2] Hill, 174. [3] Hill, 170. [4] Hill, 171. [5] Hill, 179. [6] Hill, 176. [7] P.W. Coleman, not to confuse with D. Goleman [8] Hill, “Discovering Forgiveness through Empathy,” 179–80. [9] Hill, 180. [10] Hill, 177.
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