“Parenting from the Inside Out”[1] is a helpful handbook for perceptive parents who are willing to and may be able to raise their children “the right way”[2] with proper training. Siegel and Hartzell are concerned about how parent-child relationship are heavily informed by parents’ “unresolved” and “leftover” issues. Our experience shapes who we are, how we perceive reality, and how we connect or disconnect with one another. To raise a child who thrives, Siegel and Hartzell argue that one should integrate their own childhood and lived experience first, then we have the chance to build a nurturing parenting style with the help of effective skills such as contingent, collaborative communication,[3] reflective dialogue,[4] and mindsight.[5]
To help audiences understand the impact of their own experience in parenting, Siegel and Hartzell explore parental relationship from many angles: how mind, brain, and emotions bear imprints of our past; how attachment theory continues affecting us throughout life and intergenerationally, what affect regulations are feasible to create meaningful connections, and how rupture is inevitable and the importance of repair. Siegel and Hartzell do not explicitly say, but I was struck by the notion of polarities they infer repetitively throughout the book. For the authors, there are several polarizations, or conflicts, in parent-child relationship.
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Firstly, Siegel and Hartzell introduce the concept of parental ambivalence.[6] In caregiving, especially when people are unaware of their leftover issues, the parent is pulled two ways unconsciously—the need to tend to one’s own emotions and the need to care for their child. Then, for both parents and children, the needs for connection and separation simultaneously exist and are in tension.[7] The authors warn against a constant focus on child’s experience. On the one hand, it is not feasible for one to be joining the child at all times. Failing to create proper separation can be a sign of poor boundaries. On the other hand, “continual intensity of a parent’s focus” on a child could be experienced as intrusive.[8] For Siegel and Hartzell, attuned parents are sensitive to and respect child’s changing needs between connection and solitude.[9] Furthermore, when discussing about effective parenting skills, such as integrative communication, the authors introduce another set of polarities and suggest that an integrated system is achieved by blending differentiation (people being separate and unique individuals) and integration (people coming together to join with each other).[10]
The complexity and dilemmas of parent-child relationship can be further explored with the Christian Existentialist Theologian Paul Tillich’s understanding of individualization and participation. For Tillich, individualization (self-centeredness) is an ontological element of human experience.[11] Personhood is the highest form of individualization, and self-centeredness involves resistance of others. But individuals are forced to participate in communities because the alternative would be to destroy the other persons.[12] So, individualization and participation are two poles, to be human is to be living in the tension between maximizing one’s selfhood and joining others in communion.
Siegel and Hartzell argue that, despite all these difficulties, good enough parenting is possible with intention and proper guidance. Making sense of our intense emotions involves revisiting the unresolved and leftover issues in the past, invites us to integrate our stories, and allows us to adopt new working models to be in relationship with ourselves and our child. Through this process we gain capacity to recognize and therefore tend to our own needs and the needs of our child. The authors do great work balancing science and accessibility. They use just enough science to explore the theories and they provide case studies whenever possible. The authors’ intent for this book to be accessible is clearly conveyed.
Nevertheless, this practice has its challenge. Understanding one’s own story and integrating their lived experience require profound self-awareness, capacity to self-knowledge and self-growth, and it may be best practiced with a support system. Siegel, Hartzell, and us in this class are privileged to have access to enough resources, if not all, to begin this work. However, these are not readily available for all, and for some, none of these is a priority when they are struggling with food, shelter, and security. It’s been ten years since this book was first published, I’m sure it has transformed many families, and I also wonder how many still can’t afford this approach.
[1] Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell, “Parenting From the Inside Out : How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive: 10th Anniversary Edition.” [2] I use “the right way” for demonstration purpose only, Siegel and Hartzell do not call their approach “the way.” [3] Siegel and Hartzell, “Parenting From the Inside Out : How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive: 10th Anniversary Edition,” 84. [4] Siegel and Hartzell, 230. [5] Siegel and Hartzell, 222. [6] Siegel and Hartzell, 28. [7] Siegel and Hartzell, 68. [8] Siegel and Hartzell, 68. [9] Siegel and Hartzell, 68. [10] Siegel and Hartzell, 72. [11] “Systematic Theology. Volume I, Reason and Revelation, Being and God,” 174. [12] “Systematic Theology. Volume I, Reason and Revelation, Being and God,” 177.